I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
how does that bad decision feel?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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