im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
