RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
