I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
