Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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