It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
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But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
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so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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