Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
