I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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