It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize