You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
