tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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