Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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