It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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