if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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