can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
