so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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