I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
