You can't motorboat a personality
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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