My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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