How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
