So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
