Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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