i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
