I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Boobs are out for the taking
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
