can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
