I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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