i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
