Dude my mom stole all your condoms
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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