I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
That's intense
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
