You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm like, not good at living.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
