He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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