the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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