Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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