i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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