i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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