I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize