After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
