yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
