real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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