I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
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You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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