Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
