I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Boobs are out for the taking
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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