oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
