My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
