Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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