How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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