I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
