Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
