My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
