The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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