Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
