life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
