i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
