I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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