Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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