i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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