Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
