It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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