Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
this just has baby written all over it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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