The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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