apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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