I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I need to calm my uterus...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
